Gramps

We spent some good time with Bryce's Grandpa this weekend. Gramps is so much like the guy on the movie Big Fish. He is so personable and can be friends with anyone. He tells the craziest stories. It is hard to tell if they are true, exaggerated, or totally made up. If you are looking for a smile and a good beer, Gramps is the guy to call up.

Here are some of my favorite Gramps stories. Typing them out doesn't do them justice since they don't have Gramp's sound effects and vocal intonation, but I want to get them on record. Some of them won't make sense if you weren't there to hear them, but it is worth writing them down anyway because they will always make me laugh:

"One time I was bumming around California with a friend. We were totally broke and didn't have anywhere to sleep. In those days they would play all night movies at the theater and they only cost twenty five cents so we decided to sleep in there. I sat down in a seat next to the wall which was totally covered in grease from other people leaning up against it, but I was so exhausted I didn't care. I remember dozing in and out during the movie and always hearing the same song. 'la da dA DA DA!' And then there was one night when a big fat woman fell asleep during the show. She fell forward while she was asleep and got stuck with her head pinned against the seat in front of her and her rear in her seat. She was all hunched over with her head between her knees. There was a huge commotion trying to get her out of there."

"When I was just a little kid growing up on the mink ranch I fell into some briers and got stuck. After a few hours I could hear people looking for me, but they decided to turn back when it started getting dark and it felt like I was out there forever. I mean, I think I stayed out there all night. I was probably only three or four years old."

While playing Trivial Pursuit: "Connor, I just answered another one while you sat on your fat ass."

Piper has a robot toy that sings, "I am your robot friend. I'm here to help you." After hearing it Gramps said, "That sounded like 'I am the government. I'm here to help you.'"

"I don't feel good. Maybe it is because I haven't urinated in three days."

"When you are on the bottom of those dog piles in football it is totally dark. One time when I was in high school I was on the bottom of the pile and wrestling like crazy for the ball. I was laying right in front of this other guy and all I could see was his face trying to bite me. And then, thank God, the light broke through just in time for me to realize that he was on my team. It was Buzz Randal. That guy would have gone pro if he hadn't gotten sick."

"Connor, I could have watered 100 minks by now."

"You don't eat mink, mink eat you."